theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
