So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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