Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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