just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
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You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
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Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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