You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
