im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
