I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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