she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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