My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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