his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
