Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
