we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Randomize
