Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I wish I only lived at night.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
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Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
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Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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