That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Life is so much better after having sex.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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