I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
