You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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