I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
