i just wanna soil my oats bro
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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