I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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