My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
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I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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