I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
