new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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