Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
