you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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