apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
