If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
