Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
