no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
