My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
