I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
