He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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