I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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