"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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