Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
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We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
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Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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