Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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