life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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