Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
