I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
