too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
