Im at strip club and am horny
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
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It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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