so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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