I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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