There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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