I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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