I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
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in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
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He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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