In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just want nice things and good sex
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
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