A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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