If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
