he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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