so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
