Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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