how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
