I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
