Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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