i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
