I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
